A friend of mine is retiring after dreaming about it for years. Yet when he packed up his office, he burst into tears. “I have no idea why,” he told me. “I’ve wanted out forever.”
We expect some life transitions to be difficult, like a serious illness or the end of a relationship. But others — a new house, a marriage, a promotion — are more positive. You should be happy, so why do you feel sad?
Because with change comes loss, said Alan Wolfelt, a grief counselor and director of the Center for Loss & Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colo. “Anytime you’re gaining something new in life, you’re giving something else up,” he said. And sometimes the result is grief, he added.
So how do you handle the unexpected emotions? I asked experts for guidance.
Recognize your grief.
We often associate grief with death, but it can crop up during any loss. And telling yourself that you should be happy only makes you feel worse, said Anthony Chambers, a psychologist and chief academic officer of the Family Institute at Northwestern University.
He suggests clarifying your muddled emotions by asking yourself these questions: What am I feeling and why am I feeling this way? What am I losing with this gain? What did I appreciate about my previous stage of life?
If you feel grief, that doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice, Dr. Chambers said. It’s just part of your adjustment to this new chapter, he added.
Let yourself mourn.
While grief is an internal response, Dr. Wolfelt said, mourning is “being able to share those thoughts and feelings outwardly.”
Everyone processes grief differently, he said. You can write in a journal, talk to others who are in similar situations or express yourself through art or music, he said.
Whatever you do, try to be honest when people ask you about these transitions, said Doris Vaughans, a licensed professional counselor at the Portland Institute for Loss and Transition.
“People will say things like, ‘Oh, you’re retiring? How wonderful, you must be so happy,’” Dr. Vaughans said. “You can say something like, ‘Yes, I’m happy and I’m sad. Now I don’t know how to be this new person, because I haven’t done it yet.’”
And if you’re having a lot of trouble moving forward, consider talking to a therapist or joining a support group, Dr. Vaughans added. Overwhelmed new parents, for example, can contact Postpartum Support International, a nonprofit organization that offers free support groups online for parents of all kinds (not just those with postpartum depression).
Plan for a “well-rounded ending.”
When we start a new chapter in life, “in our minds, we are already on to the future,” said Gabriele Oettingen, a professor of psychology at New York University.
She gave an example of the graduating students at N.Y.U. who, with several months until graduation, tended to focus on leaving school and preparing for job interviews, she said. “But afterwards, they say they regret that they didn’t spend enough time with their friends,” she said.
Dr. Oettingen’s research suggests we’re more likely to have positive feelings about transitioning from one stage of life to the next if we have a “well-rounded ending,” one that’s marked by a sense of closure.
If subjects felt they had tied up the loose ends, Dr. Oettingen said, they felt happier, experienced less regret and were more able to concentrate on the next phase of their lives.
So if you’re approaching a transition, look for ways to commemorate it, Dr. Oettingen recommended. If, like my friend, you’re anticipating retirement, try savoring all the things you like about the job such as the coffee shop next to your workplace or lunch with your favorite colleagues, Dr. Oettingen said. And consider a ritual like a goodbye party, she added.
Look for parts of your old identity that you can recreate.
Dr. Vaughans encourages her clients to ask themselves, “What specifically am I missing, and is there a way I could get some of that back in a different form?”
I got creative when I moved from Brooklyn to the New Jersey suburbs. I had been ready to relocate but found myself missing my old neighborhood.
Then one night I heard an ice cream truck. I was overjoyed because it used the same music I heard through 20 Brooklyn summers. I made friends with the ice cream man, bought plenty of cones with rainbow sprinkles, and now the guy parks in front of my house and plays that music until I come out.
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