It doesn’t matter why you’ve chosen not to drink this holiday season: Your reasons are your own, and they are good enough. But regardless of whether you are sober year-round or you’re just giving yourself a break in December, you are likely facing a series of festive occasions that test your will to make merry with nothing but your unadulterated personality and an ugly sweater. Scrooge may have faced three spirits, but none of them were the Ghost of Christmas Small Talk.
To avoid the awkwardness, you might be tempted to just stay in. “We know how nice it is to curl up on the couch,” said Elizabeth Dunn, a happiness researcher and professor of psychology at the University of British Columbia. But, she added, we consistently underestimate how enjoyable it is to go out and talk to people. “We are social creatures,” she said. “The No. 1 predictor of happiness is a feeling of social connection.”
Those connections don’t even have to be deep or lasting to improve your mood. Experts say that small talk, the much maligned fuel of office holiday parties and “I haven’t seen you since last year” annual gatherings, is something that might actually bring you pleasure — no alcohol required. Here are some tips to consider.
Prepare Yourself to Love It
People worry a lot before talking to acquaintances, “but they worry more than they should, because when they do talk to strangers, they enjoy it way more than they expect to,” said Gillian Sandstrom, a senior lecturer in psychology at the University of Sussex in England who studies the benefits of social interactions with “weak ties” — just the kind you tend to have at parties.
Part of reaping those benefits is adopting the right spirit. “My clothes have a lot to do with how I get ready for a party,” said Laurel Pantin, a fashion stylist and writer who has been sober since the spring. “If I’m going to be self-conscious, it’s not going to be about my outfit.” Ms. Pantin also said that being empty-handed can make her feel awkward, so she has embraced nonalcoholic beers and Phony Negronis. She also recommended having a quick answer prepared if the topic of drinking — or not drinking — comes up. “I just tell people it doesn’t make me feel good,” she said. “I keep it simple.”
Get Out of Your Own Way
Behavioral science has frustratingly little to say on the best way to make yourself feel looser and less inhibited without the aid of substances. True loss of inhibition may be too much to ask of your sober self, but you can absolutely get out of your own head — and out of your own way.
The single best thing you can do to feel less self-conscious is to stop thinking about yourself at all. “Going to a party and thinking about what others are thinking about you is a pretty surefire way to have a terrible time,” said Nicholas Epley, a professor of behavioral science at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business. “It’s such a reliable way to feel terrible that social psychologists in the ’70s and ’80s used to have people sit in front of a mirror and think about themselves when they wanted to study how negative moods affect behavior.”
The antidote, no surprise, is to focus on someone else. “When your goal is to approach people to learn what interesting things they have to tell you, the doubting, self-focused voice inside you gets quieter,” Dr. Epley said.
Curiosity is the go-to party strategy of Brianna Lance, an artist who has been sober and out and about in New York City for the last 18 years. “I love to get people to tell me their secrets,” she said. “People have told me wild stories that they should not be telling me.”
Choose Low-Stakes, High-Drama Topics
Not sure where to start the conversation? Jessica St. Clair, a comedian and author with Casey Wilson of “The Art of Small Talk,” recommended employing a trifecta of tactics: Questions, compliments and commiseration. Another trick is to choose low-stakes, high-drama topics. Ghosts, astrology and Real Housewives are all favorite subjects of Ms. St. Clair and Ms. Wilson. “I also think a great line is, ‘Who do you dread seeing over the holidays?’” Ms. Wilson said. “Everyone’s got a story about their family. You don’t have to keep everything cheerful and polite. Let’s get into it.”
Ultimately, “getting into it” without the fuzzy-headed effects of alcohol may be the biggest benefit of partying sober. “I’m more present in conversations now and I leave when I want to leave,” Ms. Pantin said. “I have a much better time than I ever did drunk. Which is the shock of my life.”
